eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
