Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
