haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
