Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
