So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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