it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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