one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
