I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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