I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
