I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
this boner is exhausting
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I want her autograph on my taint
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize