i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
