i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
