do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
