I bet he comes in French.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you win again, gameday.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
