I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
