I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
