Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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