I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
