It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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