So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
