I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
