Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
