i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
