So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
