I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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