I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's like God shit irony all over that family
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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