yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
