Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
