the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
