I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
