my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
