Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
