seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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