; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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