He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
