Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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