New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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