SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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