i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
