there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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