We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
