Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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