I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
