made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
