Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
