I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Randomize
