if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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