I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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