You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
