we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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