Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize