I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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