I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
