I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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