you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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