the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
