I smell stomach acid.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
