Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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